


Close It Off. Board It Up.

by briqhtliqhts



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Billy needs to be loved, Billy-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Pre-Relationship, References to Depression, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briqhtliqhts/pseuds/briqhtliqhts
Summary: Because deep down, Billy Hargrove was just a scared little boy with the world on his shoulders and a secret that he was desperate to keep hidden.Starting post-S2 ending. Potentially triggering content inside





	1. Coming From the Edge of the Room

Billy had barely spoken a word to anyone in the weeks that followed The Incident and the Byers’ house. His life consisted of waking up, dropping Max off, going to school, going to practise, dropping Max off wherever she needed to go and then heading home until he had to go pick her up. It was the epitome of sad. Outside of running around after Max, Billy had life. No friends or hobbies. He had nothing. 

The only thing he had to his name was his Camaro and the bruises that his dad made sure to leave every so often.

Not that that really mattered anyway. Nothing was enjoyable anymore anyway.

In basketball practise he had taken a backseat. The bruises on Harrington’s face didn’t bring him any joy and the the of getting into another scuffle with him alone was enough to make him tired. He also didn’t need to put himself in a situation where Max came wielding her damn bat.

He hated that he had lost so much control. 

When he’d first headed to the Byers’ house he was ready to bring Max home and be done with everything. There would be arguing and yelling but that would have been it. Instead he got a syringe jammed in his neck and a long, slow walk home. He’d have to figure out where the fuck his car had gone later because, in that moment, he just wanted to sleep.

Sadly, that wasn’t what he got.

*****

_ “Where have you been, Maxi-”  _

_ Billy flinched when he heard the sound of the voice, slowly looking up at his father who was hovering in the centre of the living room. He couldn’t deal with this right now. His ego was already bruised and he was moving too slowly to be able to protect himself as much as he usually could. He already knew that this was going to be worse than usual. The slap he had received when he had been sent out to find her had been enough of a warning, a threat of something worse to come and now was when it happened. _

_ “Where’s your sister, Billy?” _

_ He had two options. He could drop Max in it and lighten the punishment that he was going to get or he could just bullshit. Even after all the shit she had put him through, Billy couldn’t justify putting her in the danger that he was constantly in. _

_ “I told you I had a date,” he told him, words slightly slurred as he tried to stand up straight, body tense, “Max’ll be with her friends and she’ll be fine. Some other idiot can bring the bitch back.” _

_ Neil was on him in an instant, forcing Billy back against the door with a hand in the middle of his chest. There was no space between them but the teen couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere other than over the man’s shoulders. Even in his slightly drugged state, he knew better than to look him in the eye, knew better than to show any form of weakness. His dad would rip away at any opening that Billy gave him, which meant that he had to hide as many opportunities as possible.  _

_ Neil let out a humorless laugh, moving his hand up to grip the boy’s curls. There was a sharp tug that pulled a hiss out of Billy, his head being forced back so he was looking up at the older man. _

_ “It’s funny, really. Because it sounds like you’re trying to tell me that getting drunk with some stupid whore was more important to you than going out and finding your sister.” _

_ His fight or flight instincts were finally starting to settle in and the fear had deep rooted itself in Billy’s gut. There was no way he was going to be able to get out of this now. He couldn’t back out of this without his dad calling him a liar or a faggot that didn’t have the balls to stand up for himself. He was in too deep already so he just had to accept the fact that he wasn’t going to get out of this without a shit tonne of pain being thrown his way. _

_ “That’s probably ‘cause it’s exactly what I’m fucking saying.” _

_ The fist connected with his jaw before he’d even finished his last word. If the hand hadn’t still been in his hair, Billy would have definitely been sprawled out across the floor. _

_ As the hand reeled back to prepare for the next hit, Billy lifted his hands up to cover his face and head. He didn’t need a trip to the hospital. Hospitals asked questions, questions that he couldn’t answer because if he answered he’d be back within twenty four hours with even more marks on his skin. _

_ Pain blossomed in his stomach as the fist connected with him again, his body folding in on itself once Neil had released his hair.  _

_ The blows continued, one after the other, eventually evolving into kicks once Neil had him curled on the ground, too lazy to beat the boy with his hands. _

_ It wasn’t just a physical beating, though.  _

_ Throughout the time Neil was letting his aggression out he was spewing remarks. Things along the line of Billy being “useless” or “a waste of space”, going as far to say that he was a mistake and “the whole family would be better off without him”. _

_ He wasn’t wrong either. If Billy wasn’t there then Liza may- she could have still -  _

******

The cold air bit into his skin as he dropped the stub of the cigarette to the ground, using his boot to crush it into the hard ground below.

He’d thought about that night quite a few times over the past few weeks. Whenever his mind wandered or he wasn’t paying attention, it always went back to that moment. For a reason that he couldn’t even explain to himself, nevermind anyone else, he had a sick fascination with what happened that night.

The drugs in his system paired with the extensive pain that flooded his system meant that there wasn’t a lot that he remembered. His body shutting down as a defence mechanism.

The teen was thankful that he blacked out. The beating was enough to take him out of commission for a good few days. School was skipped; Susan drove Max to and from places, or the girl would skate there; Neil would comment on how he was still being a burden to the rest of them; Billy would quietly react to the pain that flared up whenever he moved.

He took three days to himself before he dragged his ass out of the bed.

******

_ “I’ll take Max this morning, Susan,” he mumbled as he sat awkwardly at the table, staring at the glass of water in front of him. _

_ “Are you sure you’re-” _

_ “Susan. He said he’d take Max.” _

_ Billy spared a glance to where his father was sat at the head of the table, flipping through the newspaper. Then he glanced towards Susan who at least had the decency to look at little uncomfortable at the situation that the house was in. _

_ As soon as he heard Max’s door shutting, Billy was up out of his seat, emptying his glass and giving it a quick clean. He informed the girl that he’d be waiting in his car as he headed out to his Camaro. He hadn’t had the chance to ask where exactly it had gone and who the fuck had been driving it but he’d been a little preoccupied and at this point he didn’t really care as long as the thing still worked. _

_ The drive consisted mostly of Max reminding him that he was to stay away from her friends - like he could really forget. He didn’t justify her with a verbal response, instead he simply assumed that she would figure he understood when he did nothing. _

_ On his first day back, it was hard to ignore the whimpers. He and Harrington had matching bruises on their jaw and Billy was wearing an actual shirt and had loose pants on whilst walking with a slight limp. He could only guess that people were putting two and two together and making five. He wished that the bruise was made by the other teen, it would have made life a hell of a lot easier. It wouldn’t have been as embarrassing if he could play it off that Harrington did it. If that was how he could play it out then he wouldn’t be so on edge, so tense that people would say or ask him things that he didn’t want to deal with. _

_ Leaving Harrington alone and not bothering him made one thing apparent, even in those short few hours, and that was that Billy had no one in Hawkins.  _

_ Back in Cali he had people he could go to, people that he got on with that could make him forget the shit that went on behind closed doors. Here he had nothing. Teasing and bothering Harrington had been a great way to pass the time but now he didn’t even have that. _

_ He was completely alone. _

_ Even Basketball practise just didn’t seem worth it at this point. If he took as active a part as he usually did then he’d only end up hurting himself more. If he didn’t play as well as he usually did then he’d get benched and that was more embarrassing. Or at least it was to him.  _

_ That first day back he decided that he’d give it ago and - shockingly - he ended up getting his ass knocked to the floor by no other than Steve Harrington. _

_ He was laid out on the gym floor for a bit too long. The coach had started to head towards him, questioning ‘what the hell is going on’.  _

_ It was the sound of the voice that pushed Billy into action and made him stand up, biting down hard on his lower lip to hide any sort of reaction he had to the pain that started to burn in his muscles. He fought through the rest of the game, avoiding any contact that he could whilst also staying on top of his game. _

_ Getting changed after practise was a whole other issue that he didn’t want to deal with. He’d have to hang around and wait for everyone to leave before he could even consider taking his shirt off. He couldn’t play it off as some kinky as fuck bitch that he’d had his way with, he couldn’t play it off as some sort of accident. The only option that left was sitting and waiting. _

_ The plan was going fairly well until King Steve himself walked up to him.  _

_ “Listen, I’m sorry about how hard I pushed you.” _

_ Billy glanced up at him for a moment before shrugging, “I’ve had worse,” he mumbled without really thinking. _

_ Once his brain caught up with what he was saying he realised that leaving and getting showered at home was probably the better idea. He was sure Steve tried to say something else to him but the realisation had caused panic which made his ears start to ring. There was no way Neil was ever going to find out he’d almost let it slip but Billy was still ridiculously on edge and he wasn’t ready physically or mentally for another beating. _

_ He grabbed up his things as quick as he could manage, once again ignoring any pain that flared up, before heading out to the Camaro. He’d wait for Max - he had to wait for Max - but at least he didn’t have to deal with Steve fucking Harrington. _

*****

He couldn’t remember lighting another cigarette but once he’d came out of his memories he was reaching up to take it out of his mouth as he exhaled the smoke from his latest drag. He looked out across the quarry, eyes landing on the edge that led to the sheer drop below. He was a good few steps away from the ledge but he was still peeking curiously.

With a sigh, he stood from where he was leant against the hood of his Camaro, taking a moment to look up at the night sky before heading back to the driver side door, glancing back at the ledge.

Maybe one day it would be the right time. Maybe one day he’d finally push himself in the right direction - the only direction. Today wasn’t that day, though, and he resigned himself to that fact. The day would arrive soon enough. Right now it was just a case of playing the game and waiting for his turn.


	2. Fade Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The escape was great, for the most part. He could lay back on the hood of his car, smoke his cigarettes and pretend that he was anywhere other than shitty Indiana. But just like everything else in Billy’s life, it had it’s shitty moments. Sometimes the words of his father would sneak in and play on repeat until Billy was in between sadness and pure rage. When they first started circulating, anger started to build because why did his dad have the right to ruin his moments of peace like this? Ruin the moments where he was finally able to do nothing and just forget? The more that they played through his head the more tired, the more upset he became until he was quickly getting into his car and driving away, playing his music as loud as he could to try and drown everything out.
> 
> It wasn’t a great system, and it was incredibly lonely, but maybe that was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the length of time it took for this update to be posted but you know, Christmas and everything. I hope you enjoy it and I hope it makes sense.... 
> 
> MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL. SENDING YOU ALL AS MUCH LOVE AS POSSIBLE.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas break, Billy had almost completely gave up. He’d skipped more classes than he’d went to; smoked more cigarettes then deemed healthy; stopped going to Basketball, letting Harrington slowly retake his crown; and had more beatings then he could count.

He wanted to blame Max for that. She’d pushed a little more every time he’d went to pick her up, made him wait longer out in the car before she came rushing out. He would have went inside and got her but he really didn’t think he’d be able to deal with all those kids  _ and  _ Steve Harrington - the latter he had been avoiding like the plague since he’d let slip that he’d dealt with people pushing him around. He was being overly paranoid about that whole incident, and he knew that he was, but he’d resigned himself to a lonely existence until he reached the end of the line. 

The issue with Max was that being home at eight slowly turned into being home at eight thirty and every time Neil tried to start an argument, he would take the heat and say that it was his fault and that he wasn’t being stern enough with her. That, of course, earned him a couple of slaps. It wasn’t anything too serious and it never happened whilst Max was watching, but it happened. Each slap had a nice little ‘respect and responsibility’ tagged onto it, as if that was going to make the blow softer, and all Billy could do was nod his head and mumble out a “yes sir”. 

Taking the heat for her also meant that he was now getting looks off of his step-sister too. She never said anything to him, was too proud to talk to him, and he was happy with the fact that he didn’t have to answer any questions.

It had dawned on him a number of times over the weeks that he could just explain to Max why he did what he did on that night, and why he was suddenly so willing to run around after her after just a _ look  _ from Neil, but he couldn’t. He’d already been a shit to her, had already upset her way too much to even consider doing it. For one, she was Neil’s golden child - the one that he wanted - and the idea of telling her, for it to only get back to him, was not something he wanted to think over too much. The second reason was because she got along with his father. They had a semi-decent relationship and he wasn’t about to steal that from her. If he didn’t get the chance then someone should have. 

Sometimes, when he was waiting on her to finish at the arcade, or finish one of her dumb D&D tournaments, Billy found himself at the Quarry again. He didn’t do anything, didn’t think about anything, it was just a few hours where he let his mind go blank, his body relax and stopped giving a shit. It was a few hours of freedom where there were no standards to live up to and he could just escape for a while.

The escape was great, for the most part. He could lay back on the hood of his car, smoke his cigarettes and pretend that he was anywhere other than shitty Indiana. But just like everything else in Billy’s life, it had it’s shitty moments. Sometimes the words of his father would sneak in and play on repeat until Billy was in between sadness and pure rage. When they first started circulating, anger started to build because why did his dad have the right to ruin his moments of peace like this? Ruin the moments where he was finally able to do nothing and just forget? The more that they played through his head the more tired, the more upset he became until he was quickly getting into his car and driving away, playing his music as loud as he could to try and drown everything out.

It wasn’t a great system, and it was incredibly lonely, but maybe that was for the best.

*****

It was the Saturday before he had to go back to classes that things started to turn to shit again. He didn’t know what had caused, didn’t even know what he’d done, but Neil had got a little fist happy at him for something and had taken the Camaro keys from him. 

“You don’t deserve something like this when you’ve done nothing positive to earn it” he’d snarled as he turned and left, leaving Billy sat on the floor, chest heaving as he tried to keep himself together. The calm had been nice whilst it lasted at least. There was no real spectacle on Christmas or New Year so he couldn’t really complain all that much.

Having the Camaro keys taken from him was something akin to losing a limb for Billy at this point. It meant that getting away from the house was ten time more difficult than it usually was. It made him so angry, it really did. He paid for the car, made sure it was running and yet his father thought he had the right to take that away? It was bullshit.

Once Billy had came back to his senses and had managed to catch his breath, he pushed himself up and slowly made his way out of his room, heading to the liquor cabinet. If Neil was taking something from him then he’d take something from Neil.

He couldn’t bring himself to give a shit about the consequences he’d have to face as he took one of the bottles of Neil’s whisky. That could be a problem for future him because right now the only thing he wanted to do was get out of that house and drink himself into a stupor so he didn’t have to fucking think anymore.

*****

The Quarry was a longer walk then he had anticipated it being. It didn’t help that his head was throbbing and without the alcohol the world was spinning a little. Add half a bottle of whiskey on top of that and even Billy was amazed that he’d managed to make it to his go-to spot in one piece.

As he looked over to the edge of the Quarry, a good metre or two away from where he was currently sat, he started to process everything. From what had happened back at the house, to comparing how Neil treated him and how he treated Max. 

It wasn’t fair.

“What the fuck did I do wrong?” He asked, throwing his arms into the air before he took another swig from the bottle, looking out into the distance. “It’s not like I could do anything to stop what happened. He fucking- he fucking  _ knows  _ I didn’t want that shit to happen.”

He was yelling now, anger burning his veins as he threw his arms around. “And fucking Max- Max gets to run around doing whatever the fuck she wants whilst I trail after her like a fucking bitch just so I don’t get another goddamn black eye. Well hey world, it’s not fucking working!”

All of the flailing of his arms had meant that he’d spilt a good deal of whiskey, his hand now damp with the alcohol. He dropped himself down on the floor, grunting as the pain flared up in his leg. He couldn’t even remember what had happened to his leg, if anything had happened to his leg. A part of him was pretty sure he was making up the pain to distract from the slight spin that the world seemed to have. The yelling had made his throat raw only adding to the pain that he was already feeling. After everything that had happened to him today, a sore throat wasn’t the worst thing.

As an attempt to soothe it, BIlly took a good few gulps from the bottle. In hindsight it was a stupid idea because the burn only added to the rawness of it all but he still felt too sober to cope with everything that had been thrown at him. He ran his free hand through his hair, tugging on it slightly before he looked back out over the ledge.

“When’s it my turn, huh? ‘M I ever not goin’ to be a piece of shit to  _ everyone _ ?” He let out a sigh and put the bottle down on the ground next to him.

“Fuck,” he laughed a hollow, empty laugh, “Fuck. ‘M talking to myself now.”

Was this what they meant when you reached an all time low? Even with the alcohol he was being self-deprecating but there was still no push to close the short distance between himself and the ledge. 

Billy couldn’t understand why he couldn’t do it. There was something hidden deep, deep within him that had a tight hold on him regardless of what state he was in and it wouldn’t let him take those last few steps. It was a good thing to have, or at least that’s what everyone else would have said, but at the moment it felt like it was something of a sadistic streak, holding him back so he could punish himself more. It didn’t make sense, nothing really made sense in his head anymore, but this in particular made him feel uneasy, made him confused to the point where if he thought too long on it then his head started to hurt. He’d figure it out eventually… maybe.

*****

Time was a forgotten concept to Billy for a long while and it was only when the cold chill in the air started to bite at his skin that he dragged himself out of whatever pit he’d dug himself into with the alcohol and the thinking. He had no way of checking the time but he knew that he had a decent length walk ahead of him before he got home.

He was about half way home when car headlights illuminated the sidewalk in front of him. There had been a couple of cars that had passed him, even in the early hours of the morning, but they had all drove past and not paid any attention to Billy. 

This car, however, didn’t pass him. Billy heard the way that the speed decreased to, what he could only assume was, a crawling pace. Drunk and hobbling back to his house at stupid o’clock in the morning? All he could do was hope that the car didn’t belong to a cop who was ready to take his ass down for underage drinking or something stupid like that.

“Hargrove?”

Oh how he wished it was a cop. 

Billy slowly tilted his head in the direction of the voice, the car now slowly crawling along beside him. He could just make out Steve Harrington’s face from the driver seat. As soon as he put together who it was, he turned back to looking down the street, refusing to say anything to the other teen as he continued to walk, speeding up slightly. 

“What the- Hargrove!”

The yelling had him sighing as he tucked his hands deeper into his pockets. He wasn’t going to become another victim for White Knight Harrington to save. His ego, and pride, had taken enough of a beating today. He didn’t need to add to that. He  _ couldn’t  _ add to that.

He was so determined in his ignoring Harrington that he completely missed the fact that the car had stopped and Steve had got out until there was a hand on his arm. 

On instinct, Billy was spinning and shoving the owner of the hand away. It would have been a good push too if he wasn’t as dizzy as he was. He sent himself to the floor rather than Steve and damn if that wasn’t embarrassing. So much for not hurting his pride anymore.

He sat on the concrete for a few seconds, a similar situation to the one that he had been in during the practise where he had almost let too much slip.

Steve had offered a hand down to him almost instantly and for a moment Billy seriously contemplated taking it but he couldn’t. He couldn’t fall into Harrington’s trap. Rather than do the logical thing, Billy ended up slapping the hand away before getting himself up off of the floor.

As he brushed himself down, Steve started to speak.

“What the fuck happened to you, dude? Someone finally give you the shit you deserve?”

The words made him freeze, his whole body going tense as he turned to look at the taller teen. He knew that Steve wouldn’t have meant it in such a malicious way but after everything that had been going through his head, everything his dad had said to him, it cut him to the core. Who would have ever thought that Steve fucking Harrington had the ability to hurt Billy Hargrove in a way that was worse than that of his father? Jesus it was laughable.

The resounding silence between the two of them pushed Steve to speak again. “C’mon. I’ll take you back to mine and patch you up. Crash on the couch.”

It was the offer of something pleasant that had Billy snapping back into his old ways, pulling up his defences as he looked at him.

“Get out of here with your white knight bullshit, Harrington. Or go waste it on someone who’s gonna fall for it,” he grumbled as he turned to start walking again, “I’m not some fag or something, you know? I can take care of myself. Don’t need fucking children to do it for me.”

“Yeah cause getting your shit kicked in and getting drunk is the picture of masculinity and taking care of yourself,” Steve sighed, “Get in the fucking car, Hargrove. I’ll take you home. Not all of us are dicks for no reason, you know?”

There was yet another moment of consideration for Billy, glancing between where Steve was getting back into his car and down the street where he was pretty sure the streetlights were starting to slowly turn off, one by one. He didn’t really want to be walking home in the pitch black but he didn’t want to owe Harrington either, not on top of everything else that he had to make up for. 

The passenger door being flung open made up his mind and he slowly made his way over to the brown BM, dropping himself carefully in the seat.

The drive was silent for a good couple of minutes, he wasn’t as far from his house as he thought he was, but Steve was soon trying to fill the silence.

“So… who was it?”

“What?”

“The guy? The one that handed your ass to you?”

“None of your fucking business, Harrington.”

“Jesus Christ, not everything has to be an argument. You do know that right?”

“Whatever.”

After that the conversation was permanently shut down until Steve was pulling up outside of his house. BIlly tried to get out as quickly as possible but the alcohol was definitely wrecking his whole hand-eye-coordination thing and he was fumbling with the buckle of the seatbelt for longer than he wanted to admit. 

“Hey.”

Jesus, why couldn’t this guy just stop talking to him? Why did he even care?

“Call me tomorrow to let me know you’re alive, yeah?,” he was holding out a piece of paper, “From the looks of you I should have forced your ass to hospital but I have better things to do with my night, so… let me know? Or get Max to tell my or something. Whatever’s easy.”

He was ready to turn and snap at him, to tell him to go fuck himself. When he did turn to look at him, though, the look that he had on his face killed any scathing remark in an instant. He couldn’t figure out what exactly the look on his face was but there was something other than the anger or hatred that he was used to from so many people. 

“I- Yeah. Yes. I’ll- I’ll let you know,” he promised with a nod, snatching the piece of paper, before taking his opportunity to escape from the vehicle.

There was no waiting around to watch Steve drive away. He tested the door, thankful to see that it was still unlocked from when he had left earlier. It was moments like this where he was thankful for Susan because his dad would have locked him out and left his ass to suffer if he’d had the chance.

As Billy dropped onto his bed and toed off his boots, he looked over the paper that had Steve’s home number scrawled on it, the look on his face playing on loop in his head. Why would someone like Steve Harrington give a shit about him? After everything that Billy had done, Steve should hate him. A part of him wished that he did.

Nothing made sense anymore. He concluded as he opened the drawer next to his bed to drop the piece of paper in. The only thing that seemed to make even an ounce of sense was the Quarry and everything that signified to him now. It was a dark, dangerous place to be - but then again, when wasn’t Billy in danger?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. I hope this is enough hurting of Billy for you all and I hope Steve doesn't appear to be too out of character.
> 
> Thanks for reading!<3
> 
> un-beta'd.
> 
> hmu @ dacrepls on tumblr


	3. Face the Facts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re never not an asshole, are you? Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you but it’s clearly something. You fucking owned in Basketball almost all of last term, you never shut the fuck up, everyone wanted to talk to you and now you’re… well.”
> 
> “Well what? Seriously do you ever fucking finish a sentence?”

Billy never did let Harrington know whether or not he was alive, that was the first thought that crossed his mind as he pulled into the school parking lot that morning, Neil giving him his keys back with the sole purpose of taking himself and Maxine to and from school. He'd spent his Sunday laid in bed, recovering from the injuries caused by a too-drunk father, and had assumed that Max would have let Steve know if he asked about him whilst she was at the arcade, assumed that Steve might have asked about him if he hadn’t got the confirmation from the boy himself -- not that he was that important, the darker part of his mind supplied as an afterthought.

He had actually planned on calling him, planned on thanking him for not ditching his ass despite how much of an issue he had been for the guy in the past, but the overwhelming fear that something more would happen if Neil caught him on the phone with someone was enough to stop him from doing anything. It was that fear that made the promise disappear to the back of his mind to inevitably be forgotten. There were more pressing matters for him and letting someone, who probably only helped so they didn’t have the weight of a dead teen on their conscience, know whether he was alive was nothing in comparison to trying to figure out a way to hide the fact that there was a bottle of whiskey missing from the liquor cabinet. Luckily for him, Neil never seemed to figure it out.

Nevertheless, Billy still felt kind of guilty about the fact that he hadn’t let Harrington know. Deep, deep down he was yearning for someone to actually care and Harrington was always there, always offering him an easy example of someone who could potentially help him. It may not be because of genuine care for him but even someone forcing themselves to care was more than he deserved at this point.

He had made it his mission to ignore Steve Harrington for the day, hoping that just seeing him wandering around the school would be enough for Steve and he’d leave it at that. It was impossible to ignore the way that eyes seemed to burn into the back of his skull. It was impossible to ignore the slightly concerned looks that were being sent his way whenever they awkwardly managed to lock eyes with each other. He hadn’t offered any explanation behind what had happened to him, Steve must still have been under the assumption that it was just some random fight that he had got into rather than putting anything together to come to the real conclusion. 

Billy had promised himself that he was actually going to make an effort with classes this semester - it wasn’t like the work was all that difficult and if he stopped laying back and not caring then he’d actually be able to get some pretty good grades. That idea was quickly thrown out of the window as soon as he’d decided that he was avoiding Steve. He didn’t do anything too major. It was just small, petty things really. He moved a couple of seats further away in their shared classes, paying no attention to the people that complained about him taking their seats. The teachers didn’t notice, or they didn’t care, so there was no real issue in him moving. Sometimes he’d leave class early, claiming he needed to go to the bathroom or something along those lines. If there was the potential for them to be paired up for some stupid assignment then Billy skipped the class altogether. He knew that it wouldn’t get him out of doing the work but at least he could play ignorance and say that he had no idea the project was a thing that he had to do.

The two of them did share their last classes together but he banked on the fact that Steve would have to go to Basketball practise which would give him the chance to escape. As soon as the bell rang to signify the end of classes for the day he could easily make a break for it and head off to wait for Max. If he moved quick enough then he could get lost in the crowds and it would take Harrington a while to fight through the sea of students.

When did he turn into such bitch? He should not be planning his day and movements around Steve fucking Harrington. The only people he was allowed to plan his day around was Neil and, subsequently, Max. Steve Harrington was nothing in comparison to those to.

Yet here he was. Planning his escape route so he didn’t have to  _ talk  _ to someone. A few months ago, people would be planning an escape route to get away from him but this was who he was now. A weak, pathetic little bitch.

All things considered, his little escape plan went pretty well but apparently there had been a resurgence of people loving ‘King Steve’ and people were moving out of his way as he bound down the halls. If Harrington called his name then he didn’t respond, too lost in those swirling thoughts of how pathetic he had became in such a short amount of time.

There was the strongest sense of deja vu when he felt the hand on his arm as he was halfway across the parking lot. With a sigh, Billy came to a stop and glanced over his shoulder to look at Harrington. He then looked down to the hand that was currently holding onto his elbow, gently pulling it free from his grasp before continuing to walk towards his car.

“Hey, asshole, you can’t just keep walking away from me.”

Just keep on walking. That was the only thought running through his head as he heard Harrington continue to stumble after him.

“Hargrove can you just fucking- Hargrove!” 

Standing by his Camaro made him feel a bit more at ease than if they had just been stood in the middle of the parking lot, it was an easy escape if he really needed it.

“What do you  _ want,  _ Harrington?”

“Well I- uh- you see-”

“ _ Harrington.” _

“Just wondered whether you were going to be at- you know- basketball practise.”

If the flubbing over his words wasn’t enough of a give away that he was lying to Billy, the fact that he refused to look up and meet his eyes was a definite give away. Instead of justifying him with a response he simply pulled his keys out of his pocket and jangled them for a second before turning to unlock the car.

“Jesus, just- Okay. Okay it wasn’t about the basketball team.”

“You don’t fucking say,” he grumbled, begrudgingly turning to look at him.

“Listen, dude, you didn’t call me the other day so it’s taken like three days for me to find out whether you were actually alive or not and then you spend the whole day  _ avoiding  _ me like I’ve got the plague or something-”

“There a point to all this, amigo, or are you just looking for a reason to not go to practise? I’m pretty sure your adoring fans’ll be waiting for you.”

“You’re never not an asshole, are you? Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you but it’s clearly something. You fucking owned in Basketball almost all of last term, you never shut the fuck up, everyone wanted to talk to you and now you’re… well.”

Wow. Steve really had been paying attention to him. It was… weird. No one ever paid attention to Billy unless he was on some mad rampage and he hadn’t done that for a good long while. He’d sort of got used to just fading into the background. It would have been impossible to ignore that he’d skipped out on Basketball but he’d skipped so much school around that time that he guessed people would just leave it at that. But Steve Harrington had always been something else. Not caring for popularity, choosing to spend his time with kids rather than teens, skipping out on parties. It shouldn’t have been such a shock to him. It was shocking to him that he even seemed to care. Max certainly didn’t care and Neil was fine as long as he had his occasional punching bag. So why did Steve? That was an issue for later. Right now he just wanted to leave.“Well  _ what?  _ Seriously do you ever fucking finish a sentence?” He could feel some sort of anger building up in him. He didn’t know whether that anger was coming about because he was sick of Harrington pretending to give a shit or whether it was because of everything that was rolling through his head. “I told you that I don’t need you going all white knite on me. I’m not here to make your name any better than it already is Harrington.”

He could tell that he’d got under his skin from the involuntary twitch in his eye and the way that the edges of his mouth turned down. It wasn’t something that he had necessarily meant to do but he wasn’t going to complain about it. If it meant he’d stop fucking bothering him for five minutes then at least he could breathe a little easier.

“I’m not going to fucking argue with you about this - quite frankly I don’t have the time or the energy. What I am going to say is that if you do need to talk about… shit then I’m here. And before you shrug it off,” he held up a finger to Billy, pausing the comeback that was waiting on the tip of his tongue, “I’m the only dumbass around here that’s willing to offer it cause we both know that no one else is going to offer you that shit. In all honesty, I shouldn’t even be offering you anything cause you’ve done nothing to deserve it but… if I don’t offer then I’ll be as bad as you.”

Billy looked down at his feet and bit at his lower lip as Steve continued to talk, swallowing around the lump that had involuntarily formed in his throat. He was right. Billy didn’t deserve anything from anyone - least of all Steve. Yet here he was offering Billy exactly what he wanted, what he needed, but it wasn’t his place to take.

Rather than saying anything, he kept he eyes on the ground and turned back to his car, pulling the door open before climbing inside. Without so much as another glance at Harrington, Billy was pulling out of the lot and heading back to that one familiar spot. He knew he’d get his ass handed to him for leaving Max to fend for herself but she was a teenager. She’d be fucking fine and he needed to get away from everything for a while.

*****

It’s the sound of shoes on gravel that brings Billy out of his thoughts, finally looking away from where his legs are dangling over the edge of the quarry, banging lightly against the stone as he kicks them out rhythmically.

His body tensed as he heard the footsteps getting a little louder but the speed at which they were moving said that this person was clearly a little cautious. They clearly weren’t a danger to him, if anything he assumed they were moving in a way similar to someone who wanted to get close to a skittish dog or something.

Nevertheless, Billy found himself holding his breath, his legs stilling in their kicking and his eyes shutting lightly. He was preparing himself for the worst, or the best. He couldn’t decide which outcome he liked the most at the moment.

“Hey.”

Well that wasn’t what he expected to hear. He turned his head slowly to look at who it was that had decided to join him. There, before him, stood a little girl, a mess of dark brown curls on her head. 

“Hi…”

“Back.”

All Billy could do was stare at her. What the fuck did that even mean? Had he met her whilst he was drunk and sat out here? Was she one of Max’s friends? He couldn’t remember anything about her. He was wracking through his brain trying to figure out what the hell was going on. 

Then she was walking over to his car and opening up the door.

“Yo, Curls, you can’t just- Hey!” He quickly pushed himself up and moved over to where she had decided to sit in his passenger seat. After a moment, he slid himself into the driver’s seat, staring her down as she sat and played with the radio.

There was no way he would ever be able to explain why he did it, but Billy found himself turning the key in the ignition so that the Radio would come to life and start playing the music out. Both of them flinched at the sheer volume at which it played and he was quickly reaching to turn it down.

It was so bizarre to watch, the way that she lit up in a bright grin and started to sway back and forth in time with the music. In his car. Which she had just let herself into.

“No offence kid but what the fuck are you doing? You can’t just get into people’s cars.”

“Back. It’s dangerous. Safe here.”

Well shit. His stomach clenched as he glanced over to where he had been sat on the edge of the quarry. There was no way she could have possibly known what it was that he was thinking, what it was that he’d been planning to do for so long yet hadn’t got the courage up for yet. That was stupid. She’d have to read his mind to be able to do that.

Slowly, he turned his head back to her, only to find her getting out of the car, “What’re you talking about, Curls?”

“You’re… sad.”

He felt like a dog with the way that he was tilting his head to one side, looking at her in confusion. Fuck this. There was no way she could know what was happening in his head. Was it just a look he was giving off? A vibe?

“Nah. Was just… admiring the view. Nothing to worry about.”

The look that she gave him read disbelieve - or at least it was what he was getting from the almost completely blank look on her face. Why was he even justifying himself to her? She was just a kid in the middle of the wood - probably ran away from home - and he was clearing his mind or some shit.

When the silence dragged onto long and the way she was staring at him started to freak him out he decided to speak up again, “I… I’m Billy, by the way. You need a ride home or something?”

“Billy,” she nodded as if that was all she needed to know before she was turning and walking away. He should have called out after her and he knew that but he was sort of stunned by the whole turn of events. It was the dumbest thing that he’d ever experienced, mainly because there wasn’t a lot too experience. All that had happened was he’d ended up sat in his car, away from the edge.

Though maybe that was the point.

“Fucking kids making the easy place difficult. Fuck my life,” he grumbled as he leaned over to close the passenger door. 

That was enough Quarry time for today, he decided. As he left, everything felt a little bit heavier, a little bit more suffocating and he couldn’t figure out whether that was because of Steve’s admission of no one caring about him, whether it was because of the strange conversation with the girl who’d easily figured out what he was feeling, or whether it was because Steve was  _ willing  _ to help and he was the only one who really cared.

There was one question that was now playing on his mind: Did he really deserve any help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit that I didn't really proof read this cause I just wanted to write something and post it so this could be completely shit. Also the El scene may go somewhere, it may not but I'm a slut for B11 friendship/sibships so I needed something and I feel like El will play a larger role later on - she always does somehow anyway.
> 
> Any and all feedback is appreciated. Thank you for taking your time to read this <3
> 
> Shit starts to hit the fan next chapter - as in harringrove starts to become a thing and there's some honesty from Billy. I don't want to keep boring you with these sad!billy chapters when he's going to go through a shit tonne of hurt in the future
> 
> hmu @dacrepls on tumblr


	4. Get What You Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hated this. Hated how his dad making him explain himself, point out just how he’d fucked up, made him feel smaller than his fists ever could. The fists he could play off, couldn’t defend himself because it would only make it worse. When he asked Billy to explain it though? It was just a way of proving that the pain, the words, the hatred, it was exactly what Billy deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has fucked with me in so many ways. It wasn't meant to be as heavy or as hard hitting as it ended up being. It's fucked with me emotionally and mentally and whilst I'm still not 100% happy with what I've ended up with I feel like this is the most fitting way of carrying on how. I had about six different endings written out, each one with a different outcome but with the way I've been writing Billy and his head for the past 10,000 words, this seemed the most reliable.
> 
> That being said, there were some minor changes to the past couple of chapters - mainly dates and little details like Neil saying Billy could only use his cars to do the school run.
> 
> I'm mentioning it because this chapter follows on directly after the last chapter once it's in Billy's POV and the using the car to go to the Quarry and obviously Neil needs to 'punish' Billy for not being 'responsible'. I don't want to spoil too much of the chapter but the big warning here is that the abuse in this chapter is DEEPLY PSYCHOLOGICAL AND MANIPULATIVE. It was hard for me to write and hard for me to read back but it needs to be done for the sake of plot. It hopefully starts looking up from here.

After the Upside Down, Demodogs and a kid with psychic powers, Steve Harrington was pretty sure that life would never get more confusing. But then Billy Hargrove seemed to drop off of the face of the earth.

When he returned to the Byers’ house that night he expected to find Billy laid out on the floor, still semi-unconscious. Despite everything that had happened, there was a little bubble of worry in Steve’s  gut when he was nowhere to be found. It would be a long walk home for the younger teen and it was freezing cold out. He’d be disoriented and his coat was still buried somewhere in the back of the Camaro which meant that it was going to be even more difficult for him. Steve thought that his worry was pretty well justified.

Then there had been the fact that Billy turned up to school covered in more bruises than Steve on that first day, and Steve knew that he didn’t cause most of the bruises. Not to mention the sick pale white that he had went when he’d admitted that he’d had worse pushes than the one Steve had dealt him. He didn’t really think much beyond of that but it was impossible to ignore the fact that he had clearly made something snap and send Billy into a panic.

After that there was the fact that he had somehow ended up picking him up on the side of the road. Steve had prepared himself for another fight but then he had taken in the look on Billy’s face, the way that he had fallen when it had been his aim to push Steve over, and the fact that he would tense up whenever he mentioned the person that hurt him.

The worst part was the haunted look on the boy’s face when Steve had pointed out that Billy didn’t deserve people caring about him. It may not have been what he meant but that was how it had came out and the look that he was greeted with was enough to throw Steve off for the entirety of basketball practise.

There shouldn’t be any sympathy, any worry, in him for Billy fucking Hargrove. Deep down, he knew that he was right when he had said that he didn’t deserve anything from Steve. He’d done nothing to apologise for what had happened at the Byers’ house, or the name calling, or the constant baiting that had happened before the other teen seemed to drop off of the radar. But Steve knew that look. That haunted look and the twitchy, anxious little ticks that were mirrored in the way that he had started to hold himself. Something was going on with Billy Hargrove and, for some strange reason, he was determined to figure out what it was.

-0-0-0-

No matter what happened during the day, no matter what state his head was in, Billy knew better than to let his guard down around Neil Hargrove. Apparently Steve and the strange Quarry girl had had more of an effect on him than he had thought because he’d completely forgot to pick up Max which meant that Harrington had to drop her off at home which consequently clued his dad into the fact that he had used his car for something _other_ than driving to and from school.

He shouldn’t have thought he’d get away with it. That was his first mistake.

When he finally pulled up into the driveway of the house, his father was stood at the door, an unimpressed look on his face. Billy killed the engine and sat in the car for a moment, needing to compose himself and come up with a lie as quickly as possible.

If he could, he would have just sat in his car all night but he knew that that wasn’t an option and the longer he made his dad wait, the worse everything was going to be.

With a sigh, Billy dragged himself out of his car, locking it up behind him. He came to a stop in front of the man in question, tapping his key against his fingers. His car was his only real escape and his father was taking that from him. Instead of trying to start a fight, he simply held the key out to his dad, looking down at his feet as he did so.

Neil took the key from him and shook his head, “Go to your room. We need to have a little talk.”

Billy hated being told to go to his room for a number of reasons. For one, he wasn’t a little kid and this was basically being told to sit on the naughty step, and two, being sent to his room meant that his father didn’t want Max or Susan seeing something. Everything was still too raw from the last beating. It had only been a couple of days, his dad really couldn’t expect him to take more could he?

He was stood in the centre of his room, unsure what to do with himself, when his father walked in, shutting the door silently behind him. Billy quickly turned so he was looking at him, chest tight and body tense as he prepared himself for what was coming.

The room was silent save for the sound of his father’s shoes against the floor as he moved to stand in front of him, looking down his nose at his ‘pathetic excuse of a son’.

“What was our agreement, Billy?”

He gulped quietly, “I only use my car to take Max and I to and from school, Sir.”

“And what did you do today?”

He hated this. Hated how his dad making him explain himself, point out just how he’d fucked up, made him feel smaller than his fists ever could. The fists he could play off, couldn’t defend himself because it would only make it worse. When he asked Billy to explain it though? It was just a way of proving that the pain, the words, the hatred, it was exactly what Billy _deserved._

“I used my car for something other than the school run, Sir.”

His father had let out a laugh. A deep, terrifying laugh that held more threat than any words ever could. Billy was shutting his eyes quickly, in anticipation of the slap that he was sure was about to make contact with his skin. Instead he was gifted with the feeling of nails digging into the skin of his jaw, forcing his eyes open.

“What did you do, Billy?”

“I- I disobeyed you, Sir.”

“And what happens when you disobey me?”

“You break things.”

In that moment he was thrown back to the beginning of his downfall. Instead of seeing his father in front of him he was met with the sight of the plate smashing over Steve Harrington’s head, followed by the sight of his body sliding across the floor lifelessly.

He was everything he despised in his father and more. Harrington hadn’t done anything to deserve that beating. Sinclaire didn’t deserve the anger that Billy directed at him just so he could try and save his own ass.

It all came down to that word again.

‘Deserve’.

He didn’t **deserve** Harrington worrying about him. He didn’t **deserve** the curly haired girl stopping him from swaying too far forward over the edge of the quarry. He **deserved** everything his father threw at him though. Every punch, every kick, every broken belonging. Billy got what he dished out and it was exactly what he **deserved**.

The sound of crashing behind him brought him back to the room and he was quickly turning to see what his father was doing. Apparently the ‘things’ that he was breaking, for once, wasn’t him but instead what he owned. The mirror was shattered, laid out on the floor, and he had turned just in time to see his father lift his cassette player over his head, throwing it to the floor to smash it into the floor, shattering it into pieces.

Whilst he was busy, Billy quickly lifted his hand to wipe at his eyes, worried that some of the tears that had definitely welled up at this point had escaped. He didn’t need his father to see that on top of everything else.

“What did I do… to deserve a son like you?”

If it was any other moment he would have laughed. There was that word again, haunting him like a sick curse that was put in place just to remind Billy that he was nothing. Instead of saying anything, he squared his jaw and stood a little straighter, watching Neil carefully just in case.

“Never mind what I did. What did your _mother_ do to deserve a son as ungrateful and as pathetic as you?”

He was pretty sure his heart stopped beating.

“She’d still be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“I didn’t force that guy to get drunk and start driving around.”

Neil moved across the room with such a speed that there was no way he could have tensed up in preparation for the backhand that his dad dealt him. It would have been easier for him to keep his mouth shut, it would have been wiser for him to just take the verbal beating and try to shut his dad out, but he wasn’t about to let his dad blame him for… that.  He’d been trying for years, this conversation had happened so many times, back in a time where Billy knew how to stand up for himself, knew what to think to stop any of his father’s words invading him. Right now his mind felt blank and he was ready for the guilt that was about to fill him

“No, but you did force her to come pick you up from that pier because you were too stupid to pay attention to the time,” he spat out.

Billy was sure he could feel the smallest spot of spit on his face but he fought off the urge to wipe it away. He was trying so hard to not let the words affect him but he’d already taken such a beating mentally today that he didn’t know how long he could hold them off. It was like a whole other kind of battle, and it was one that Billy often lost. “It was your responsibility to be home on time, to do as I told you, but what did you do Billy? Hm?”

He bit down on his lower lip, shaking his head. He could feel the tears welling up, could feel everything over the past few months that had been pushed to the back of his mind was racing to the forefront and finally landing on him. The look on the Sinclair kid’s face when he’d came after him; the bruises on Harrington’s face that first day at school after The Incident; the look all of the kids gave him whenever he was around; the boy back in California whose heart he broke; his mom. It was too much for one guy to take and he finally gave in. He let emotions that weren’t pure, hot anger control his body. The pain and the sadness and the yearning for something good making the tears fall slowly, one by one.

He gulped quietly, turning his eyes up to look at his dad. “I disobeyed you.”

“And when you disobey me, what happens?”

“You break things.”

“Except this time, I didn’t break anything, did I? Who broke- Who _ruined_ things, Billy?”

“I did, Sir.”

There was a sickening smile crawling over Neil’s face, one that screamed ‘Victor’ whilst Billy was stood their sniffling, tears starting to flow faster with each passing moment.

“Whose fault is it that she died, Billy?”

He couldn’t breathe. A lump had formed in his throat and he couldn’t swallow around it. Couldn’t catch his breath, couldn’t think, couldn’t process simple thoughts other than _this is all my fault._

“Mine.”

“Mine, what?”

“Mine, Sir.”

Neil took a step back and Billy finally let his head drop, his shoulders heaving as he tried to control his sobs. He didn’t like showing weakness in front of his dad but, at this point, all he was was weakness. The old Billy, the cocky, ‘Alpha’ Billy was nothing more than a distant memory.

Now the guilt consumed him, clawed at his inside like some sick disease, slowly spreading through every part of him. He should have prepared better, should have left when he got the chance. Instead his father had the upper hand and Billy had months worth of self-hatred stored up.

“I want to say she’d be disappointed in the waste of space that you’ve become but you always were a waste of space in our eyes.”

The boy couldn’t even bring himself to respond. His head was still bowed and he lifted his hand to wipe away some of the tears with his sleeve, listening to the sound of footsteps as his father moved back towards the door.

“Max needs picking up from the arcade in half an hour. Clean yourself up and act like you’re more than just a worthless faggot.”

Billy bit down hard on his lower lip and nodded his head. When he didn’t hear the door opening he knew that his father was waiting for something. With a sniff, he lifted his head to look at him, wiping the tears away again, “Yes Sir.”

The keys to the Camaro were thrown to his feet and something in Billy's mind snapped. He knew what he needed to do.

*-*-*-*

The world was collapsing around him as he pulled up into the parking lot of the arcade, knuckles white on the steering wheel. This used to be the time where he got out of the car and went to bother Harrington, or the time where he’d light a cigarette, but all he had going through his mind right now was the last part of the conversation with his father.

It was time he stopped being such a waste of space and did something useful for once.

He could feel Max’s eyes on him the whole drive back. He didn’t know what sort of emotion filled her eyes, didn’t want to know. It had started when he stopped her from putting the radio on. HIs head was too full and he was already too distracted, his knuckles aching from how tight he had been holding it for such a long time.

Any attempt at her trying to talk to him, trying to get a rise out of him, had fallen short.

When they reached the house, Billy didn’t pull up onto the driveway, instead he had pulled up along the sidewalk and allowed the car to idle. There was no point in cutting the ignition, not when he was going to be leaving as soon as Max got out of the car.

“Max?”

His eyes didn’t leave the front windshield but he saw her hesitate in getting out of the car before she sank back into her seat.

“What?” Her tone of voice wasn’t perturbed or put out like it usually was when they talked to each other. It was cautious, slow, a little high pitched to express the confusion. She was probably waiting for the bomb to drop or something like that.

Without really thinking, he reached up and slipped the pendant off from around his neck, holding it in his hands as he looked down at it. He didn’t deserve it, not after everything he’d done. He held it out to her, dangling from the chain. He waited until she held her hand out and slowly lowered it into her hand. He coughed, feeling tears _again,_ goddamn his dad was right. Stop being pathetic.

“I just- I’m sorry, Max. For everything. For everything in Cali. For everything here. I’m… I’m sorry for all of it. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t the step-brother that you deserved because… well… you’re a good kid, Max, I just never saw it before.”

“Billy…” There was a hint of fear in her voice, he heard her shuffling around in her seat, as if she was looking for something, “Billy, what’s going on?”

“Just… tell Lucas that I’m sorry too? And the rest of your little gang. And Harrington… especially Harrington.”

“Billy, I don’t know what’s going on but you… you can talk to me, you know? I know we’re not close but I’m here for you if you need someone.”

Billy simply shook his head, turning to look out of the front window once more. “You need to get inside. Neil said you had to be home in five.”

Max hesitated for a moment, Billy could feel the way she was debating what the best option was right now. He didn’t say anything else to her, just sat patiently and waited.

As soon as she was out of the car and the door was shut, Billy was shifting his car back into drive and heading off to the Quarry.

-0-0-0-

Something was wrong with Billy.

Something was _very_ wrong with Billy.

And right now Max was the only one who could do anything to help him. She was the only one who could _save_ him.

Billy didn’t apologise and he especially didn’t hand off his mother’s necklace for no reason. She knew that he’d been closed off, hadn’t been talking to people, over the past few weeks but she didn’t realise that it was this bad. She felt kind of awful that she’d been talking so badly about him.

Deep down she knew that it wouldn’t change much, if she knew what state that he was in, but she might have been able to help.

Once she was in her room she was quickly grabbing her walkie talking - gifted to her at Christmas by the rest of The Party.

“Dustin. Dustin are you there? Over.” Seconds passed with no response. Dustin always had is walkie. He had to have it now. He needed to have it now.

“Dustin!?”

“Alright, alright. I’m here. What do you want? Over?”

The sigh of relief that left her was immense.

“Are you still with Steve?” She was hoping that they’d still be together given that he had to drop off quite a few of the other kids. If he wasn’t with him then she was screwed.

“Yeah, why?”

Thank God.

“I need his help. Billy was- He gave me his mom’s pendant. I- I think something bad’s going to happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for that, I'm going to work on getting the next chapter out as soon as possible cause I've fallen back in love with this fic and I think I have a better understanding of where I'm heading with it.
> 
> As always, all kudos/comments are appreciated and read.
> 
> hmu @dacrepls on tumblr if you have prompts/asks
> 
> Love you guys <3


	5. Decode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You don’t need to take that step, Billy. There’s no need for it. I can help you. Just… come away from the edge. Take my hand,” he ordered, his hand held out in front of him as he took one more step. If he could take the steps then it meant that Billy didn’t need to take any more - unless they were towards him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the emotional shit will come in the next chapter where Steve and Billy actually sit down to talk but I felt like Billy being pulled back needed to put in a chapter of its own considering it was a big turning point.
> 
> It may look like Steve has everything figured out and that he does genuinely care about Billy but it's never that easy and Billy's going to fight him in every possible way.

“Max- Max, calm down alright, I’m sure he’s just being your usual psycho step brother. Over.”

There was the distant, distorted sound of Max’s reply through the headset, too broken up and too quiet for Steve to really be able to hear. The look that crossed Dustin’s face when the girl had replied made a sick, queasy feeling rise up in his gut. His first thought was that Billy had done something to Max but that thought was quickly dispelled because Billy hadn’t been talking or touching  _ anyone  _ for a good long while.

“Yes. Yes I can tell Steve. Over”

Steve had no idea what was happening, his eyes now more often on Dustin than they were on the road. Why wouldn’t he just say what was going on? Why was he left in the dark if there was something so urgent that he needed to do something for Max?

“Alright. Fine. Yes, I’m giving him the headset. You’ll have to wait a minute before you can say anything, obviously. Over”

Without another word, Dustin was slipping the headset off and handing it over to him. Had this been any other situation, and Steve wasn’t already completely on edge, he would have been kind of honored that the kid trusted him with it. Right now, though, it only filled him with nerves. It put him on an edge that he usually only felt when he was preparing to deal with part of the Upside Down.

He slipped the headset over his ears, leaving the walkie talkie for Dustin to control. He could signal when to press for outgoing and when to leave it.

“Okay, go,” he told Dustin, nodding his head at him. Once he received a nod back he started to talk, hoping this was going to work, “Max? It’s Steve. What’s going on? … Over”

Dustin released the little switch and soon he was met with the sound of a sniffling Max. Even before she had started talking, he could hear the panic.

“It- It’s Billy,” she sniffled through the headset, “He… He picked me up from the arcade but when we got home he was- there was something wrong. He was apologising and saying how sorry he was about everything and how I deserved a better big brother-”

Steve winced, physically winced, when the word deserved was thrown around. It was pretty clear that the word had set something off in Billy when he had thrown it at him but he couldn’t figure out what it was. Billy had became so void, so emotionless when he’d used it that it was almost impossible for him to figure out whether he was going to get swung at or whether the guy was going to leave when it had happened.

“He told me to apologise to Lucas and the rest of the party - he said that you especially deserved an apology. He- He gave me his mom’s pendant, Steve. Billy doesn’t just give that away, he never takes the thing off but… but now he’s drove off and I don’t know where he’s gone but Neil won’t care. I need- I need you to find him Steve, please.”

He was going to be sick. That was the first thought that crossed his mind. He knew that there’d been something up. He’d tried to help and got nowhere but how different would this whole situation be if he pushed just that little bit harder? If he’d actually  _ fought  _ to help Billy Hargrove?

“Okay, Max. I’ll go, okay? I’m gonna drop Dustin off and then I’ll start searching. Any idea where he might be?”

As he drove, Steve thought through his last few, chance encounters with Billy. The only thing he could think of was when he had picked him up in his car. He’d been walking from somewhere but he didn’t want to think about the implications of where that place suggested. No. Now was the time to start thinking of the implications cause Billy Hargrove was very much a danger to himself more than he was to other people at this point.

“He- He was at the Quarry at some point I think? He went there quite a lot over the holidays?”

“I’ll head there first. I’ll keep you updated.”

*-*-*-*

When he dropped Dustin off at home, the other had told him to keep a hold of the walkie-talkie for when he needed to get in touch with Max. Clearly the kid understood the worry as well if his face was anything to go by. He knew that none of the kids wanted anything to do with Hargrove but the fact that Dustin was wishing him good luck and leaving his walkie-talkie with him proved just how serious this whole situation was.

Of all the people to get themselves into this state, never in a million years did Steve think it would Billy Hargrove. He’d noticed the guy closing himself off, and the way that he just went through school without really trying anything anymore, he’d even noticed the way that he’d been a little softer on Max - he had assumed that had just been because he didn’t want to get a spiked bat to the balls anytime soon. If he’d paid a little bit more attention then this could have been avoided. If he’d actually been there for him, rather than throwing him to the curb like he had every time they’d interacted. Hindsight was 20:20 and if he didn’t really care before Max’s scared messages then there was nothing he could have done to prevent this. There was no reason for him to care about someone who had tried to kill him, so he didn’t. And now they were here.

The drive to the Quarry felt as though it had lasted hours even though he was driving twenty over the limit the entire ride. It made sense that it was the Quarry, really. High ledges and people not being around there very often. No wonder no one found him, the Quarry was huge and anyone could hide in the trees surrounding it.

*-*-*-*

“Billy?”

The sight of the boy stood at the edge of the Quarry was a sight that both warmed him and made him nauseous. He had drove around the Quarry until he had finally spotted the blue Camaro, wasting no time in parking and throwing himself out of the car. God only knew how long the car had been sat there for but it had apparently came out alright.

Alright wasn’t the right word to use but it was something. Billy hadn’t done anything stupid yet, which meant that he had a chance to try and fix it.

“Billy,” he repeated when he didn’t get a response from the other male other than a shake of shoulders. He was crying. Billy Hargrove was crying and stood on the very edge and Steve didn’t know what he was doing. How was he meant to help here? “Billy, it’s me. It’s Steve- I know you know that.”

Still nothing.

“We can talk about this, Billy. There’s no need to do this.”

The blonde glanced over his shoulder and that feeling of nausea increased ten-fold. He’d never seen someone look so broken. Not even Will had looked this bad after they’d purged the Mind Flayer from him. What the fuck had happened to Billy Hargrove?

He waited a moment before he took a slow, careful step forwards. “It’s just me, Billy. It’s just me,” he promised as he took another step. He was trying so hard and he was feeling emotions that he wasn’t sure he would ever feel for Billy. These were emotions that he’d never felt before. There was always a sense of protectiveness whenever he had to deal with the kids, whenever he had to deal with Nancy and Jonathan but this was something more than that. These emotions were so real, so heavy that they were almost debilitating. “I don’t want you to tell me what’s wrong, I’m not gonna say that you’re being stupid cause you don’t need to hear that okay? What I need is for you to come over here and away from the edge.”

He heard Billy let out a laugh, a sick, self-deprecating laugh that made Steve want to cry.

“I’ve- I’ve came to this Quarry almost every day since I beat the shit out of you, you know that?” His voice was weak, so different to the usual tone that Steve had became used to. He was trying to control everything, keeping his voice monotone and not looking at Steve. Hiding his emotions was something that he’d became good at it seemed. “Whenever I needed to breathe, whenever everything got to be that little bit too much, whenever I was looking for a way out. I came here when I was pushed in basketball, I was coming back from here when you found me on the side of the road, I was here after you told me that I deserved nothing. But you were wrong, Steve.”

This had been going on for so long and no one had cared enough to really look at Billy. No one thought he was worth the time of day and everyone that interacted with him was to blame for the situation that the boy now found himself in. Steve wanted to cry for him, wanted to cry for the loss of purpose, the loss of feeling, that he had had to go through for so long without a single person to turn to. Steve knew what it was like to be abandoned. His parents were never home and he didn’t really hang out with anyone anymore but he always had Nancy. Billy? Billy had had no one other than the sick thoughts that had been eating away at him for so long.

“Billy… Billy I didn’t mean it like that. Everyone deserves someone you just know how to get under my skin. I was being stupid. I was mad.” 

“No. No you weren’t. Everything you said was right. Cause this, Harrington?” He gestured to the ledge, “This is what I deserve and this is what makes everything better for everyone.”

Billy was facing him now, his back to the ledge, to the fall, and he just looked so small. He often forgot that Billy was only seventeen but he couldn’t ignore that fact now. He wasn’t even legally an adult but he already had more weight on his shoulders than most working adults did. How was he meant to help this?

“It’s funny really. I used to talk such a big game. Used to make it look like so easy to push further than I should. Go one step too far and now I’m stood here and I can’t do it. I can’t… I can’t  _ fucking  _ do it. Guess my dad was right, huh? Just some stupid, pathetic faggot who can't do anything right.” 

It was like he was watching a bulldozer come along and knock down every wall that the teen had managed to build up for the past couple of months. That monotone voice was breaking, the emotions slowly leaking out through the cracks. The comment about his father made bile rise in his throat but he couldn't distract himself. He needed to keep his eyes on Billy.  God he was hurting. He was hurting so bad and Steve just wanted to take him home, put him back together for some reason that hadn’t really became clear to him just yet. No one should be hurting like this, not when they were just a kid. Billy needed help.

“You don’t need to take that step, Billy. There’s no need for it. I can  _ help  _ you. Just… come away from the edge. Take my hand,” he ordered, his hand held out in front of him as he took one more step. If he could take the steps then it meant that Billy didn’t need to take any more - unless they were towards him.

The silence dragged on for hours as Billy’s eyes moved between his hand and then his face, as if he was waiting for something, waiting for Steve to push him over the edge rather than pull him away from it. 

“Why do you even care, Steve?”

“Because everyone deserves someone caring about them.  _ You  _ deserve someone caring about you and right now I’m the best you’ve got.”

Something flashed in his eyes, something finally flashed and soon he had his arms full of a sobbing Billy Hargrove. As the boy’s knees gave out, he sunk to the floor with him, cradling him as close as he could manage. “I’ve got you, Billy. I’ve got you. We’ll figure this out.

0-0-0-0

Billy didn’t want to give into Harrington but he couldn’t help but crave the idea of someone caring. Why did it have to be Harrington? Why did Harrington care all of a sudden? 

When the hand was held out to him, he couldn’t help but stare at it. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing other than the fact that he really didn’t deserve any of this. His mind was still swirling with the thoughts that his father had planted there. He was a killer. It  may have been indirect but the death of his mother was his fault. He’d almost killed Harrington. There were so many things that he had done wrong and this seemed like a fitting punishment.

But Harrington was talking and saying he deserved something good and he couldn’t cope. After everything that Neil had said all those things to him, after he had poisoned every good - if they could be called that - thought that he’d ever had. Yet here was Steve Harrington offering him something that could be good.

It was obvious that he was never going to be able to do what he wanted to do, no matter how hard he tried and the fact that there was someone willing to be there for him, willing to care about him made his heart break.

Without thinking he let out a choked sob and was throwing himself into Steve’s arms, letting himself break, letting someone see how much he hurt. When he was less all over the place then he’d revert back to shutting himself down but right now he was holding onto the fact that he was allowed this. Steve was willingly taking care of him, giving him a shoulder to cry on and, for once, he was going to take it rather than force himself to be alone just for the sake of avoiding his father’s wrath.

He buried his face against the man’s shoulder, letting Steve’s arms wrap around him, keeping him securely pressed against his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Steve. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I’ve got you, Billy. I’ve got you. We’ll figure this out."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% happy with how this came out and a part of me feels like I shouldn't have had Billy break so easily but the kid's touch starved and happiness starved so I think just the offer of there being something good would make him reactive. Don't be surprised if this chapter is reuploaded and changed
> 
> As always, feedback/kudos are appreciated.
> 
> hmu @ dacrepls on tumblr
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	6. Caught In The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Billy,” he started again, “I’ve… got you.”
> 
> His eyes were shining again when he finally turned his head up to look at Steve and he could barely breathe. The broken look was still too much for him to deal with, which was why he was awkwardly coughing and standing up, brushing his thighs before offering a hand out to him.
> 
> “It’s warm inside.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really sorry for how long this took to get out, and I'm even more sorry for how short/bad it is. However, this is the end of the 'discovery' arc and we're slowly going to move onto the next one where things finally start to come to the surface with secrets being revealed and everything else.
> 
> Massive thanks to mrs-danny-gold on tumblr because she was the person that told me that this chapter was fine and that it was understandable why it was short. Thank you, boo. You're too good to me <3

Silence sat heavily between them as Steve drove away from the Quarry and towards his house. Billy was safely curled up in the passenger seat but it was impossible to ignore the walls that were slowly cementing themselves higher and higher now that everything had calmed down. Steve almost felt relieved. He almost hated himself for that.

One of the, seemingly many, reasons that Billy had ended up in the position that he was in was because no one cared. No one had any reason to suspect there was something wrong with the loud, brash persona that Billy carried around like a badge of honor. He was quick to jump to violence and was determined to be in control at any and all times. Someone should have noticed that there was something going on. One person could only hold so much hatred, pain and sadness and clearly Billy had had his fill. Just a glance at the boy and it was clear that there was still so much pent up inside of him and the break at the Quarry had been a drop in an ocean of it all.

The walkie still sat in the back of the car, power cut so that Max’s insistent voice wouldn’t be grating on Billy. Max was an issue for when he was sure that Billy was safe and that wouldn’t be until he had him sat on the couch in his living room, out of the cold and away from any ledges.

*-*-*-*

The short drive from the Quarry seemed to last an eternity. There was no music playing, any attempt at conversation had been ignored and Billy had been staring resolutely out of the window since he had got into the Beamer. Once he pulled onto his driveway, ignition killed, they both sat there for a few moments, unsure of what the next move was. Billy  _ still  _ wasn’t saying anything and Steve was desperately searching for a way to get just a quiet grunt from him.

Nothing was working and Steve had to resign himself to the fact that one breakdown didn’t mean that Billy was going to be open with him. One breakdown didn’t really fix anything.

The chill in the air was bracing as he stepped out of the car, and he made a mental note of the fact that he was going to have to lumber Billy with a number of blankets to keep the chill from biting at his bones. Even before all of this, it had been impossible to miss the complaints that seemed to always be on the tip of Billy’s tongue about the “shitty weather” in this “shitty town”.

When he didn’t hear the sound of the other car door opening and shutting he turned to look through the windshield at Billy. The boy was still sat in his seat, staring off into nothing. Steve wished that he knew what was going through his head, wish that he could just glimpse into Billy’s life so that he could figure out some way to help. 

He waited for a few moments to see whether Billy was going to move of his own accord or whether he was going to have to act and forcibly try to remove him from the car. It was the latter option and soon he was standing, pulling the door open. He noted the way Billy flinched, whether that be at the cold air attacking him or from the quick movement of the door opening he wasn’t sure. That could be a problem for later.

“C’mon. The sooner you get inside the less I have to worry about you getting hypothermia,” he commented, trying to make it sound like nothing, rather than a serious issue that Steve was worried he was about to face.

The humour was lost on Billy, who continued his silence and still refused to look at Steve. 

“Hey,” he started, keeping his voice soft as he crouched down next to him, acting like he was trying to sneak up on a Demogorgan or something similar, “I’ve got you.”

It was a promise that he may later come to regret but right now it was all he had. The simple phrase was the only evidence he had that Billy hadn’t gone completely braindead. 

The words had brought the tears to the surface before, giving the damaged boy a small reprieve from the heavy weight of emotions that he had been carrying around. The reaction had made it pretty clear that no one had ever  _ got  _ Billy Hargrove. Whether that was understanding and caring for him or just holding him up when he needed it, he didn’t know, but it was certainly food for thought. Hopefully the phrase still had the power now, after he had given Billy the chance to shut off and shut down.

“Billy,” he started again, “I’ve…  _ got  _ you.”

His eyes were shining again when he finally turned his head up to look at Steve and he could barely breathe. The broken look was still too much for him to deal with, which was why he was awkwardly coughing and standing up, brushing his thighs before offering a hand out to him.

“It’s warm inside.”

*-*-*-*

Steve knew better than to try and have a conversation with Billy about what had happened right now. That was why he had immediately went up to grab some pillows off of his parents bed and one of the many, many blankets from the cupboard in their room before setting up a makeshift bed on the couch for the blonde. He helped him get situated, offering him some food and something to drink (they were politely declined) and then stood in the doorway to the living room, hovering for a moment to try and figure out what to say.

He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck and looked down to where Billy was sat on the couch, knees pulled up to his chest. He was making himself small, as if he was trying to hide from Steve, from his house… from himself.

Standing and staring at him wasn’t going to do much and he still needed to talk to Max, let her know that her brother -  _ step- _ brother was still alive.

“I’m… gonna go off to bed. I’ll be… upstairs if you need me,” he told him. He was about to walk away when he stopped and turned back to him, “Please don’t just… leave, okay? I need to know you’re okay and we’ll figure shit out. It’ll be fine.”

A few seconds passed with no response, and Steve had no choice but to hope that this was Billy’s way of saying that he was going to be staying there for the night and was ready for a conversation the following morning.

Steve had no choice but to leave Billy to himself. It wasn’t a wise thing to do, considering where leaving Billy on his own seemed to have got him but he knew better than to try and help right now, knew better than to show any form of pity because Billy would only throw it back at him. All he wanted to do was head to bed and let this day finally come to an end. 

But, there was still something that he had to do.

*-*-*-*

The cold had not got any less biting as he headed out to his car again. Dustin’s radio was still abandoned in the backseat, and he knew that Max would be sat in her room, panicked and clutching the radio, waiting on word from Steve to let her know whether Billy was okay or whether arrangements were going to have to be made to… remember who he was.

The inside of the car was colder than the air outside which only pushed him to move faster. He grabbed the radio from the backseat and quickly slipped the headset into place before switching the device on and pressing the talk button down.

“Max? Max it’s Steve.”

“Steve!” The reply came through as soon as he had lifted his finger from the button. “Is he-” she cut herself off and Steve could tell she was trying to figure out the best way to ask her question given the weight it held.

“He’s… he’s here, Max. He’s alright. I’ve got him.”

There was a sigh of relief once he took his finger off of the button and he really wasn’t that surprised. Despite the strained relationship that Billy and Max had, he knew that she would never wish something like that upon him. No one should  _ ever  _ wish for someone to reach that point in their life.

“Thank you, Steve. I know you guys aren’t… friends or whatever but… thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it, Max. I’ll try and keep him safe. I promise. Get some sleep, okay? You’ve still got school tomorrow.”

He wasn’t sure how he managed to keep doing this. This being getting himself into shitty situations where he was completely out of his depth yet somehow needed to be the saviour, the protector. When it was Nancy, or Jon, or the kids it wasn’t a big deal because he cared about them. In a strange, convoluted way, they were his family - the people that were there for him through thick and thin. Billy? Billy wasn’t a part of that family and him fitting into their dynamic wasn’t something that was realistically going to happen. The kids hated him and they were allowed that, Billy deserved- no. That wasn’t a word he was going to use when it came to Billy anymore. It wasn’t fair to use it when it was clear that the word fucked him up. That hatred was earned, though, and if Billy wanted much more from him then he was going to have to try and make it up to them.

Right now, though, it seemed like Billy needed a family, he needed a cohesive unit that was going to take care of him. This was going to be a turning point in his life whether that was good or bad was all dependent on whether Billy accepted his help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. If you have prompts/hc/just want to chat then hmu @ dacrepls on tumblr.
> 
> Thank you for reading and sticking around!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. There will be more chapters. Don't hate me for hurting Billy.
> 
> un-beta'd.
> 
> hmu @ zeathhussar on tumblr


End file.
